I’ve decided to start unpacking the insanity that was my life for the past 14 years. It’s hard to even know where to begin, because so much has happened. 14 years ago I met and fell in love with the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with, it was a whirl wind, fast romance, followed by an engagement just a few months later and a marriage shortly after. I married what I thought was the perfect man, only to be rocked with someone completely different after we were married. The next 13 years would be one traumatic event after another, with glimpses in between of the man I thought I was marrying. I lived in a cycle of abuse, apology, I’ll do better, makeup, repeat. Not a single issue surrounding our marriage ever was resolved because I was silenced if I brought it up. Dozens of affairs, drug abuse, alcoholism, emotional abuse, psychological abuse. He never hit me though and he constantly reminded me of that. If I even mentioned that his actions were abusive he’d very firmly remind me that he had never hit me.
I know that I need to understand why I stayed for so many years while this happened on repeat. I’m hoping in the months and years to come I will find answers and have peace with it. I’m hoping to find myself, who I lost along the way. The one who loved to laugh and enjoy life and had hobbies. I’m going to share stories, from my marriage, which were traumatic for me. Stories that have changed who I am as a person. They’ve changed my trust in other individuals, because if the person who claims to love you more than anything can do these things to you, what is everyone else capable of? Maybe someday I’ll trust people again but as of today, I have an extreme amount of skepticism in everyone.
The story I’ll write about today was the first major lie I was told by him, this lie lasted a couple years until I found out the truth. He mentioned to me shortly after we started dating that he had been in the military and had served overseas. He had plenty of pictures of himself in his uniform and the standard military photo so what’s not to believe, right? Shortly before we were engaged we had attended some fireworks for Fourth of July party. During the fireworks he broke down crying and then told me that it was his PTSD from being in Iraq and that he had a hard time listening to the booms of the fireworks. We discussed this on the way home that night and he gave me this big long sob story about how hard it was for him after what all he had seen overseas. He told me to never mention any of this to his family because it was also hard for them to talk about. What I didn’t know at the time was that he’d never been overseas, he’d been to basic training and left the military shortly after basic due to an injury, but he held on to this lie for at least the first couple years I knew him until a mutual friend of ours told me they knew for a fact that he’d never been overseas. His excuse for this lie when confronted? He said his exaggerated story had just gotten out of hand after trying to impress me. I listened to him tell this story probably to a dozen or more people over that two year period while he lied to me about it. Then after I knew the truth, I listened to him continue to tell this story about serving overseas to many more people. So many times I wanted to blurt out why are you lying to all these people, but I never felt that I could do that. The one time I ever called him out on a different lie, he treated me like shit for weeks after, so I knew better than to say anything and instead just let him lie. I feel complicit in this lie to a point because I never had the guts to stand up to his lies in front of other people. This silence from me is a repeating trend in our marriage and one that allowed him to get away with so much and one of the reasons why I stayed as long as I did. No one knew what was happening behind closed doors because I felt that I was betraying our marriage vows if I told anyone of anything that happened in our marriage, even the abuse. I imagine that this is something that give abusers power, it did for him. I threatened to go to counseling once after he cheated on me and he told me I would be “gossiping about our marriage” by doing so, and like the good little wife I was, I agreed with him and never went. I’m no longer silent, and I never will be again in my life. I didn’t have a voice for so many years, but it’s one of the first things I found after I walked out that door.